im overthinking again........

in a couple months im gonna be 34……..that old “aren’t you getting too old for this punk shit?” line of thought creeps its way into my head everytime at this time of year…..this invariably leads to other lines of self-questioning: “have i wasted the last 16 years of my life listening to this music/going to shows/writing zines?” “have i done anything worthwhile over that length of time?” “are my priorities all fucked up?” “what do i have to show for it?” this in turn, leads to self doubt and then depression………its not as bad as it once was, but im always comming back to this line of thought each time the odometer flips another yearly mile on my life…..i generally answer these doubts by clinging more tightly to the music and memories i love…….its the experiences i’ve had that keep me here, keep me going to shows, meeting people, comming back for more………ive had so many amazing expiriences within hardcore, its been such a mainstay of my life for so long that i dunno what my life would be like without it, and i dont wanna know what it would be like……….i have a pretty good idea that i would be much less of a person without it, or at least someone who would be so completely different from who i am now that i couldn’t recognize myself………i also take heart from freinds who are older than me and still going to shows/involving themselves in the scene……….my freind jana will be 40 this year and shes been going to shows and taking pics of bands since the mid 80s! i feel like im more connected right now to hardcore/punk than i have been in a long time…….i have made connections/established relationships with people who are dear to me and ive connected with brand new people who i am just getting to know (mr brewer, that’s your cue!) i feel like i belong right now……that there is a place and a scene that people actually want me to be included in rather than just going to shows but feeling like im in a bubble with no contact with the people around me whatsoever, (weather its my own fault or  theirs for not talking/connecting with me) this means the world to me….that i am wanted……that i mean something…….not just being another isolated, invisible person who is just a transient with no roots or connection to what is going on……..this is what makes punk relevant to me. the freindships, the music, the expirience of being at a show and making freinds or just shooting the shit with people you already know and not having it feel forced or just a method to kill time until the band sets up…….for all of you who know me or write me, please know that you all mean so much to me…more than you know….you are the reason why i keep comming back and why i feel like punk will continue to be a big part of who i am for the foreseeable future…..and those of you ive only begun to know……your amazing too and i hope to know you well as time passes………

im not getting older, im getting better…….